Worst Rollercoaster Ever: Emotional Abuse

Hey all, Ryan here. Let’s jump right in, shall we? When you hear the words abused victim, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? You might think of a child who suffered injury due to ill-equipped parents, or possibly domestic violence with the wife finally calling police after being hit too many times. 

There’s another kind of abuse that many male firefighters suffer from and it doesn’t usually happen at work, and it’s called emotional abuse. When it comes to physical abuse and violent crimes, men are leading the way by a large margin. Some studies estimate 90% of all violent crimes world-wide are by the hands of men. When it comes to emotional abuse, the playing field is basically even. With that said, it is the most common form of abuse that men suffer from and is likely under reported.

Emotional abuse in a relationship can include things like verbal assault, control, isolation, or hanging past not-so-great moments over your head. Many times, when it’s from wife-to-husband, it can look like controlling behavior or insults made to diminish your confidence and masculinity. The wild thing about it is how subtle it can be until it becomes the norm, and you have no idea how you got there. 

If I were to physically abuse you, there’s a good chance you’d end up bloodied and bruised because I’m a badass (yeah, right). With emotional abuse you’re often left feeling like less of a human being, hurt and isolated, but with only feelings...nothing physical to be seen. And perhaps if you call out this behavior, you might experience a specific form of emotional abuse called gaslighting. Gaslighting is mental manipulation where a person makes someone question their own memory, perception of reality, or even sanity. It is a control tactic designed to muddy the water leading to confusion, loss of confidence, and dependency. It often includes changing and/or denying events the way you may remember them. More on this later.

You might be thinking “Ryan, this resonates with me. Can you give a few more examples?” I’m glad you asked:

• Emotional blackmail: After a shift with zero sleep, your spouse demands you accompany them to the baby shower of their coworker. When you cite your tiredness, it is met with guilt or maybe even crying to persuade you to agree with the request. If you don’t go, you know you’ll be given the silent treatment or maybe even have affection withheld. The point is, if you don’t do what they want, somehow someway it will be held against you.

• Unreasonable expectations: Nothing you do will ever be good enough. Someone abusive might demand that you spend all your time with them by even guilting you into canceling “boys’ night out” or become angry when you don’t remember the name of their childhood pet, they told you about 5 years ago. It sounds like, “You never listen to me!”

• Invalidating your emotions: This one hits deep for me. Instead of acknowledging and respecting your feelings, an abuser will try to tell you how you should feel. This is a reason why many men hold their emotions in. You never know if what you say may be used against you. This can come in the form of the abuser redirecting blame from them to you so they can play the victim and escape any fault.

• Nitpicking: I know, most relationships have versions of this, at least at times.   It becomes different when the partner is overly critical of everything a victim does. Your abuser could criticize you for always sleeping in on your day off, how you speak when with friends, or even the way you drive. If you push back, you know it will result in an argument, so you bite your tongue and just go with it.

• Gaslighting: As said before, when you bring up disagreements, instances of abuse, or other events, an abuser may insist that these events never happened, or that they happened much more differently than you remember. Gaslighting can cause you to doubt yourself, your memory, and ultimately, your mental health.

  
  

I get it, most of us have experienced a few of these. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a victim, but with this new level of awareness it at least means you can take a step back and look for patterns.  Or.  Or maybe YOU need to take a hard look at how you treat your spouse or kids. Like I said earlier, this goes both ways so check yourself. 

I chose this topic for a few reasons. First, it’s quite common; some studies suggest numbers creeping up to 50% of men have been on the receiving end of emotional abuse in their lifetime. Second, I have a gut feeling that it’s more common with firefighters than one would think. I get it, we’re all wannabe alphas...at least on duty.  That could be fueled by feelings of inadequacy and lack of control at home.  And then the stigma comes into play. It’s safer to puff your chest out and act like everything is fine as opposed to being vulnerable and having an honest conversation with someone about your home life. 

The idea that men can’t be abused by women is false. They can, it just looks different but can be every bit as damaging as physical abuse. 

If this sounds like you, it may be time to reach out to someone. There are ways to change it that don’t necessarily mean splitting up. Pointing this new knowledge out to the abuser can change things quickly.  We often fail to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, and doing so can correct a lot of blame.  There is also Marriage counseling. Dr. Velligan (the SAFD psychologist) sees couples and can help you through these things when you may feel you don’t have a voice. There are other marriage counselors outside of SAFD I can recommend. There are other resources too, you just have to ask.  We can talk about it in private with zero judgement and 100% confidentiality. Come see me and your Behavioral Health Team at the Wellness Center and we can get the ball rolling.