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Battle Royale: Gratitude vs. Toxic Positivity

  • Ryan Westerhoff
  • Jul 2
  • 6 min read

Hey all, Ryan here.  I’m going to dazzle you all with my ability to read minds. I bet when you got that notification that you had been accepted into the San Antonio Fire Department you were absolutely STOKED. 


If you’ve been in for more than 12 months, I’m also betting there has been that 3rd tone-out after midnight that has made your ears bleed, making you wish you were home in your PJs sacked out in a King-sized bed. 


Wishing you were at home in bed doesn’t mean your starry-eyed days at the training academy are long gone and suddenly you’re a burned-out, apathetic troll. You’re a fully formed human, you can hold both of those emotions (and many more) at the same time, and it can be confusing. 


Of course, it's important to know when things suck.  Suffering is part of life, and no one is immune to it.  What we do with that suffering can greatly impact our overall mentality and outlook on life.


The brain is such a powerful computer that it not only processes language, interprets what’s happening around you, keeps you breathing and functioning, and creates your thoughts but it also affects and is affected by your thoughts (WHOA!).

Your brain holds your outlook on life, and your thoughts impact your outlook on life, for better or worse. 


Most firefighters I know bounce back and forth between optimism and pessimism. That seems to be the nature of the beast. We live in the mindset of hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.  But if we don’t pay attention to it (mindfulness) and we don’t counterbalance it with something else (gratitude) that can turn into constant pessimism.


And let’s be honest, no one wants to hang around a persistent pessimist. 


(Putting on my mind reading hat again) I bet you’ve been around a “Debbie Downer” or two who cast their negative energy on you.  Yes, negativity is contagious and can easily overtake your life, your partner, or even an entire crew or station (looking into my crystal ball again, I’m sure you’ve seen it take over a crew).

  

Let me say this: Things can definitely suck, and sometimes it can feel like the negativity in your life is compounding (if that’s the case, please find someone you trust to talk to).  It’s important to allow the negative thoughts to exist and it’s important to know there is a safe way to do this that doesn’t mean you’ll become an energy vampire who everyone wants to avoid. 


I’ll warn you right now, persistent pessimism has a double agent friend.  This friend seems happy…maybe TOO happy, ALL the freakin’ time…and that too-happy friend who pushes all negative thoughts away is just as dangerous as the persistently pessimistic friend.  I’d like you to meet toxic positivity. 


Toxic positivity wears a legit costume.  It looks a lot like an optimist on steroids but just below the surface is numbness and unprocessed, locked up emotions. 


We all know these people.  My mind automatically imagines a clown, all jokes and balloon animals on the outside, but behind the bulb horn and creepy face paint is a normal person with human experiences. 


All this to say, being positive is not a bad thing, but being positive to a point where nothing negative is allowed and toxicity creeps in can be harmful.

 

To be resilient and able to manage setbacks, we need to be able to feel all the feelings (I know, I touched a nerve there). If you or someone you know is constantly pushing down and avoiding the “negative” thoughts and feelings, all your energy will be spent keeping them tamped down, leaving you no room to problem solve or even connect with your family and friends.


It can be very isolating to always be in the toxic positivity costume (which is also confusing). Sweeping the difficult or painful thoughts and emotions under the rug and putting on a smile doesn’t help anyone.  Allowing yourself to feel the pain of loss or being present for someone else feeling that is not negative. That’s being supportive. 


I know this because I used to do it all the time. I can’t tell you how many traffic accidents I’ve been on where I’ve told the driver, “Hey, it’s easy for me to say, but it could’ve been worse.”

 

Is it true?  Yes, of course it is. Is it also toxic? Yeah. It really minimizes what the driver and passengers may be experiencing. Now I wonder, was I making them feel bad for feeling bad?

 

When my mom passed away, I can’t tell you how many well-intentioned people at her funeral told me “She’s in a better place now.” Oh really? That was supposed to make me happier, but I wasn’t ready for that yet.  In fact, hearing that made me want to commit a crime. 


I was still sad and processing.  


I was grieving (we all remember the 5 stages of grief [DABDA], and I was nowhere near the ‘acceptance’ stage – but these people who couldn’t handle their own sadness, let alone mine, wouldn’t let me get there on my own terms, and that created a whole different level of grief. I’ve written before about the effects of being gaslit, but that’s what that is. And it isn’t helpful, supportive, or connecting.


A toxic positive person tells you how you’re supposed to respond instead of giving space for processing and recovering on your own timeline. Toxic positive people are often in it for themselves. They want to protect THEIR feelings. Not only can’t manage what they think their own grief would look like, but they certainly can’t sit with you in yours without trying to fix it.


It’s kind of like stuffing everything into a messy closet.  You can’t see it when you walk by (the room looks nice and clean), but if you open the door, all the clothes and junk come falling out, sometimes burying you.  Sooner or later the closet gets so full you can’t close the door, and it overflows no matter how thick the door is you’re trying to close.


So that’s a lot of explaining of the issue, what in the world can you do about it?


Add some gratitude to your world. Now, bear with me, this is not the bypassing or gaslighting type of gratitude, it’s brain science gratitude.


Science shows that gratitude is a healthier path.  Actually, it’s not a path...it’s a wide lane with bumpers on the sides.  Gratitude has become an important mental health booster when done properly. With gratitude, you give yourself permission to feel appreciation for things big and small that impact your life in a positive way.  Gratitude isn’t complete until it leaves your head and heart and enters the universe as true appreciation.  It allows space for feeling real emotions that aren’t positive, naming them, and putting them into perspective. 


By doing this, you can process things with both feet on the ground anchored in reality without catastrophizing. The super cool thing about gratitude is that it is contagious too, particularly when combined with an act of kindness. That could be something as simple as sending a friend a text to let them know they’re on your mind. When that happens the feel-good neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin (good) flood your body while cortisol (bad) is whisked away. 


(I’m going to get a little WOO-WOO here, hang on) You don’t even have to DO anything for gratitude to be contagious. The people around you simply feel the shift, and it spreads (and your connection deepens, which is a good thing).


Easy peasy George and Weezy. 


Adding gratitude and mindfulness (being aware of the thoughts running through your head) to your daily habits greatly assists in building resilience.  I’d put it right up there with sleep, diet, and exercise. Do it right (or just do it), and watch your mentality change for the better. 


The “4 A’s of Gratitude” are a great way to practice with the building blocks that establish this mindset:

1.      Awareness: Pay attention to the things from your day that DO NOT piss you off.  That will help you see the things you’re thankful for, even if it’s for no traffic on the way to work, or that tasty Monster Energy drink you just downed, or that moment you were able to laugh at something funny. 

2.      Acknowledgement: By acknowledging something we’re grateful for, we recognize the value. This is where you slow down and in your head name what it is you’re grateful for.

3.      Appreciation: Your brain connects an emotion to whatever it is you’re acknowledging.  People often get that happy inner peace feeling with appreciation and naming the thing you’re grateful for allows you to appreciate it.

4.      Action: How do you want to express it?  Put it out to the universe. Oftentimes it results in paying it forward.  Maybe it’s a compliment or maybe giving an “atta boy” to your crew, or maybe just saying, “thank you” to yourself.

 

I’m going to put a bow on this, but before I do I want to express some gratitude to you, the reader. I am so fortunate to be in the SAFD, a department that allows shmucks like me to share a little experience and insight on tweaks that can improve your resilience. Thank you so much for reading.  It’s an honor to wear the SAFD uniform and work alongside the bravest in Texas. 

 

Resources:

1.      “Five Reasons Fire Fighters Should Practice Gratitude” https://www.iaffrecoverycenter.com/blog/five-reasons-fire-fighters-should-practice-gratitude

5.      “S2S: FREDTalk - The Transformative Power of Gratitude | Aaron Zamzow” https://youtu.be/um5tUwBqS7s

 
 

© 2026 by SAFD Wellness.

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